I'm an 'old' person

Okay, so...in a few days I'll be 33. The number itself I could care less about.
But I am still wondering why I don't have everything figured out yet.
I 2nd guess myself alot, I have no stress relief/coping mechanism that don't involve alcohol in some way, I fight with myself over eating and exercising, I have no "real" hobbies, I don't 'schedule' my days, I don't 'schedule' activities...does this all mean I'm wrong because alot of people do or does this mean most of the time I'm laid back and dont give a rat's ass and I live in the moment????
hmmmm and i find myself wanting to 'learn' new things...I'm not musical in any way shape or form...so it's not like I'm going to go buy a guitar and start strumming away...I'm leaning towards learning to quilt, knit or crochet...does that just scream old woman or what? I can see it now, Jenna will call and be like 'hey washyadune tonight?' and I'll say 'meeting the gals in my knitting circle'...aaaaaggghhhhhh LOL. Last time I learned to crochet was long enough ago, I haven't a clue now, I still have a half started blanket and the yarn in a bag...and my carpal tunnel kicked in, so i stopped...hmmmmm
Some people seem to think exercise classes, activities, running, walking IS a hobby. I've never thought of that, man I'd have to really wrap my mind around that one!
Moto Moto CuppinCake wants me to SHOOT or COACH him...hmmm...another thing that isn't exactly blowing my skirt! But I've never done it or tried it, so I don't know. I've shot with him once and it was fun, but I didn't pine over it like he does and want to dedicate my whole basement to shooting, ammunition and all the paraphernalia that goes with it, ha.
I love reading, but with Maggie it can be difficult to fully ENJOY it. I have resorted to only really reading in the bathroom or right before I go to bed (if I can hold my eyes open for even a chapter). I ENJOY the HUNT for the book at the library sometimes too, probably just the alone time I get that I really enjoy but I find it fun.
I love watching movies, all kinds of movies, depends on my mood...I've been known the stay in jammies all day and watch movies literally from the time I get up to the time I go to bed. That was in my pre-married days, but it has happened. Aj's nights off are usually our movie watching nights after Maggie goes to bed, it is so nice to not have to pause or put on subtitles because the Midgit Princess is needing our attention:)
Anywho, I enjoy alot of things that are pretty simple, so really why on earth do I even care what everyone else does or doesn't do, take my no 'real' hobbies and shove them up your chocolate wizzway! LOL
Okay, so now I'm gonna go stir my crock pot chicken stroganoff. Which reminds me, that more and more, I like cooking....uh oh, don't let that one out though, for anyone who knows me at all knows I must be out of my mind to even type that:)

How do I say this?

This isn't it. This is not the end of your life. I am, we are, not going to let you just give up. Why would you want to just give up? Are you really ready to leave?
It's not over yet, so why are you acting like this?
I always thought you were such a strong person, I know not just one horrible incident should make me think I was wrong but, it's hard to watch.
I never ever ever ever knew you were so stubborn. Was it because I was a kid?
Wow you are stubborn.
Are you using this as your time to be taken care of because you always took care of everyone else?
I know this cannot be easy, I know this is hard to 'deal' with, I'm trying to put myself in your shoes, but man I hope if this ever happens to me, I don't do what I see you doing. Sounds heartless maybe, but I thought this would go differently because of the kind of person you are, your strength through other difficult times in your life and your huge love for Jesus. Is that why this is going this way? Are you just ready to be in heaven? Well, I'd like to say put on your slippers and stay awhile longer. I want you to see more of Maggie. I want you to be around longer. More basketball games need your hootin and hollarin... I want... I want... I want....I know, it's not about what I want...but I'm not about to give in that easily dang it and just let you go...
I keep praying you'll just snap out of this defeated state...no one WANTS to feel defeated, but you're acting like you don't care....this is very confusing.
I love you so much and I can't see this being how you'll leave us, we need to see YOU again before you go.

GOOD quote (from Stacey's blog)

“If you are going to leave here and regret not doing it, then you should do it, but if you will leave here satisfied with your decision then by all means, don’t do it.”

I don't know who told Stacey this, but I like it alot!
It's good for kids and adults and every being in between......:)

Sober

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Aahh, the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence...
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
When I won't remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use?

Aahh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, "come and play"
Aahh, I am falling
And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

Comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry
Never again
Broken down in agony
And just trying to find a friend

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

How do I feel this good sober?

Easter Grass

Maggie was way more "into" Easter this year, not that she gets the actual concept of what it's really about, but she liked getting all the candy and gifts. We could have all saved some money my just buying her easter basket grass though, it was everywhere. We picked it up in individual pieces, we put it on our head, we threw it in the air, we put it all back in the basket, we dumped in out in one clump, we ran our fingers through it like hair, we picked up little clumps from the big clump and took it into another room, we spread it out like a walkway, why walk thru it when you can run?

Two days of Easter Basket Grass is enough for Mommy. Sorry kiddo, you are napping right now and I'm putting Easter stuff away, including your precious grass strewn all over the house. If you even remember it's gone, you'll eventually forgive me, but Mommy's back can't handle bending and stooping even more than usual to pick up your mess.

I think she also got more candy than she did from trick-or-treating this past Halloween...hmmm...1 easter basket, 1 easter tub, 1 beach pail and 1 bunny bag...filled to over flowing with eggs, candy, GRASS, stuffed animals, movies, coloring book, crayons, bubbles, noise making lamb, poopin chicken, "i dont like it" jelly beans to spit out and plenty of chocolate for Daddy to help her with.

Jesus is the Reason for the Season...and Madagascar movies from the Easter Bunny...how in the world did the Easter Bunny know Aj and I wanted the Madagascar movies too? Now that's just plain weird.

Road Trip Start

I was in a bad place, working for a weirdo guy at 'Ghetto Optical', getting paid like a grunt worker, living with my mom and stepdad in the trailor and drinking alot and feeling like a loser, wanting my life to take a turn, want to marry, have kids and be on my own...watching TLC's A Baby Story after work never really helped that either, made me more sad, watching my ex find yet another girl to date, feeling alone in my feelings....led to a 2 hour decision to up and just leave, drive away, go start somewhere new...so as I'm in this hell of a decision, Jenna comes home from her job and is like I'm in. So we went to Barnes and Noble, bought a map, I believe we flipped a coin to go west or east, loaded up the trunk of my Honda Prelude with clothes and some necessities, told Mom and Ken we were leaving and didn't know if we'd be back...Mom cried and tried to stop us (If Maggie does this to me when she's older, well...I'll cry too, but I'll get it, but please God, No, don't let her get to THIS place)...we loaded up the cd player and we left. I told no one other than Mom and Ken, I knew someone would try to talk me out of it. In my head, I wasn't scared, I was excited to do something different and unexpected of ME. This feeling of you only live once just kept me thinking why not? What if? What's the worst that could happen? What? It ends up being a flop and you come home? ...well then I'm in the same place that I am now, but I've seen the country! I think we left sometime in the late afternoon. We went to the bar Jenna was working at and sold her car to some dumb kid that didn't have one so we'd have more cash for the road. Ha. I left my key to Ghetto Optical for Mom to mail to my boss. Wow. We drove all night, talking, singing, anticipating, having no clue where we were actually going...
The BEST Mistake I ever made...to be continued...

blog jealousy

I read these totally cool blogs and think mine is so lame.
I have nothing exciting to really say and I sure as hell am not a 'writer'....
so here goes anyways

wow alot has happened in the past few weeks.

Granny has stage 3 ovarian cancer, has had 2 surgeries and is still in the hospital. Which has led me to thinking about a tattoo for her, but this isn't about me in any way shape or form, but a tattoo representing my Granny would be cool, she's influenced my life soooo much. When I think of Granny I think of LOVE. I think of God. I think of Yellow Roses, March Madness, playing games, reading books...how do I combine all my thoughts of Granny into one tattoo?...must think more on that...

I got an early bday present from my good friends, two books on making over my mind and my body....think they were calling me fat? LOL...anyways, made some pretty good choices, changed some food habits, cut down on my volume of food, eaten more vegetables lately than I have in probably two years... and gained 3 lbs, fabulous! (probably 3 lbs in beer)

Maggie is growing up too fast. She is talking, walking up stairs (almost un assisted), running, starting up her 'car' with her 'keys', coloring, 'writing' with crayons(very fancy circley things), eating much better, taking usually 3 bottles a day(which she just asks for), getting familiar with her 'potty'(not going ON it yet but we sit on it and read), dancing ALOT(aj turned on techno the other night and wow she went nuts)...took Maggie up to see Granny twice now, first time I was walking with her down the hall and realized I didn't have to lean over to hold her hand(got a little choked up on that one)...she loves being 'aside'(outside), points out the 'bird fly' and the 'treeee' and 'rock' and 'cars'...last night, since it was 83 degress in Indiana in April, I took her outside in the back yard to run around...she learned to 'climb' the stairs and 'slide' down the slide on her swing set(Mommy helped but man did she think she was hot shit)...which made me realize, I don't have to bundle her up to go out, but I have to apply sunscreen...I'll have to give her a bath probably every night if she plays outside...her tootbugs were so dirty from having her sandals on all day...not that I mind her getting dirty and playing, but my back and baths don't really like each other all that much...

I guess that's it for now...I think I'll have an adult beverage and watch Chelsea Lately...