The baby I never met...

For some reason today I'm thinking of my miscarriage with my 1st pregnancy. I haven't thought about it in soooooo long. Not worth the upsetting feelings I get, I guess. Maybe it's because Aj and I have been trying to give Maggie a sibling for about...hmmm....this will be month 5 of 'trying'...I know, it's God's plan not mine. I want Maggie to experience all the goods and bads of having a sibling. I want her to be a Big Sister like I am. I want her to get pissed at her kid sister or brother when they lose her favorite sweatshirt they took without asking to the beach of all places and lost it...or someone stole it or whatever. I want Maggie to have to drive him/her to school and roll her eyes at her sibling only taking 5 mins to get ready when she got up an hour early to get ready for school. I want her to know what it feels like down the road to be an aunt. Aj and I are not necessarily old, but we are no spring chickens. I'll be what mid 60's when Maggie is 30? Anything could happen and I want Maggie to have a sister's shoulder to cry on if something should happen to me or Aj. Aj is a cop, anything could happen at any moment. Anywho, my point, I had a feeling the baby we lost was a girl. I know it didn't work out for a reason. I know I'm not supposed to ask why. I know I'm supposed to forget it, but she'll always be with me in some way. I don't think it's something that just disappears. I'll always probably wonder what she would have been like...but on the other hand it makes me appreciate what God gave me in Maggie. Maggie is perfect. I love her sooo much. I think losing a baby makes you realize how important God is in the whole plan too. He gave me Maggie for keeping an open heart even after a really terrible time....I'm just really hoping that wasn't our only chance at having two kids, I hope God is up there smiling with a little smirk and knows something I don't know :)