Still hungry? Eat more veggies and fruit.

So, I'm a fat ass.
I weigh more now than when I went to the hospital to have Maggie. Then I was huge, now I'm hugER!
Here's the thing, I don't like to exercise and I like to eat. Is that such a crime? Well yes, it is. Because I let how I look get to me. I'm not happy being a fatty fatty 2 by 4 can't fit thru the dressing room door...well not that bad ,YET, anyway! I have a back that hurts most days out of the week, I use it as an excuse to lay around, when in actuality, I'm sure only makes it worse. If I could get some of this fat off my gut, my back would thank me.
I need to be a healthy person to lead by example for Maggie, I need to lose 77 lbs. It's a number, I shouldn't focus on a number, but nothing else is seeming to work for me. I say, Oh I'll change a few little things and nothing happens. I start walking, take 2 days off and say what's the point?!No, the point is to not quit, just get out there the next day. Just make me a priority. I used having a baby as an excuse too. I can come up with some pretty good excuses to be fat. But then it makes me sad, why would I continue to be this way? I couldn't even tell you how many times I've not wanted to go somewhere because of the fear of running into someone and them seeing me like this. Two people, that I know of, have asked if I'm pregnant. First time , I was in shock. Second time, I came home and thought, well no shit, I do look pregnant. I have a huge f'in belly. Who else has a huge belly except pregnant woman?! Anywho, I'm supposed to weigh between 111 and 150. I haven't been 111 in my entire life, so obviously that isn't for me. But I was 140 in high school, playing 3 sports and eating whatever I wanted. So I'm a guessin' now I'd be pretty damn happy with 150! What a nice cute sounding number. I've never wanted to be a rail, I have hips, I have boobs, I would call myself thick...150 hot! I don't wanna shop in fat girl stores anymore, I don't wanna buy clothes that have 2 digits and If it happens to be two digits, those digits better start with a 1 instead of a 2 for the love of everything. So I read diet and exercise crap online yesterday, I learned alot, I need to change alot, I need to make my health a habit. After eating the recommeded calories for me to lose 2 lbs a week, if I'm still hungry, they said, Eat more veggies and fruit! They get paid the big bucks, cuz I would not have ever thought of this. I would have complained and ate a bowl full of doritoes and fell off the band wagon in about a week....This is not something that is apparently ingrained in me, but I would like it to be. I wanna move every day and eat so I don't feel guilt. This should be easy. I already have anxiety and feelings of loss...loss over food. That is sad! I'm not losing food, I can eat veggies and fruit, but why do I feel like part of me is grieving. It's a weird feeling. I don't think anyone skinny would understand. My feeling sexy , good about myself, not embarrased to be seen by someone from my past, losing this chin, not having someone think I'm pregnant, buying non fat person clothes, and god forbid not feeling tired and schlubby all the time...these are things I want, I don't wanna hold myself back anymore because I'm a fat ass! I'm worth it, only 77 lbs to go! All this pouring out of my fat soul has made me hungry...I think I'll go eat some peas, oh wait, I have no veggies in the house...maybe a banana, oh wait, they all went bad before I ate them...apparently I need to go to the store! Ugh.