O.B.E.S.E

My name is Kendra and I am obese. I need to focus, for real. I need to lose 77 lbs. Even then, certain weight calculators and BMI requirements say I'm overweight still...hmmm.
Right now, I'm obese! Just say that out loud...O.B.E.S.E. I was going to say it sounds like a disease and laugh, but it IS. Obese. Obese. Obese.
My focus has been Maggie and adjusting to having a terrible back. I eat what's quick and easy and some days don't care what goes into my body. As far as exercise, who am I kidding. Walking is few and far between. What is it gonna take for me to DO something about how I look. I don't want to say I just want to be skinny, I want to be healthy. So here's what apparently in the back of my mind surfaced a couple days ago, I didn't care because I want to get pregnant again anyways, so why put all the hard work in to just gain it back? Ok, for real, what kind of ridiculous attitude is that? If I try, it lasts like 4 days, then I stop. My back starts to stiffen and I get super nervous it's going to 'go out' again. I have to find something that works for me for the long haul and that doesn't hurt my back. I weight 4 lbs MORE than when I gave birth to Maggie. I lost like 2 lbs after she was born, how is that possible if she weighed 6 lbs 14 oz? Anywho, I feel like a failure and I'm embarrassed with how I look. Two people have either asked me or indirectly asked if I was pregnant again. Um, no, I just look 6 mos pregnant with my big fat gut. If I start to cut back on calories and certain foods, I feel deprived. Hello, emotional attachment to food. I was 140 lbs in high school and played 3 sports, I know now would be different to get back down to 140 lbs, but my point is: I thought I was fat then. Whatever. I had muscle definition, a waist, and boobs...hello, if I looked like that now, I'd be hot. Anywho, I'm just feeling like I'm a little lost in balancing all this. I need some sort of motivation. I know I'm supposed to take care of myself first so I can take care of others(Maggie), but why do I see this as something I'll start again and I'll just fail, so why even try?! I don't have that go-get-'em attitude like I should. I know what I'm supposed to do, I know that nothing tastes as good as being thin feels, but I like food. I like the satisfaction I get from it, ugh. Wouldn't I be MORE satisfied if I did something good for myself instead? Wouldn't I be less tired all the time? Wouldn't my back feel better with 70 some lbs off my body to lug around? Energy, what's that? How do I make this a change that is for the rest of my life? Even when I type that 'rest of my life', it's another sinking feeling of why even start or try? Why do I feel like this? Because it's hard? I know it's hard because I have lost weight and gained it back like 4times now......I remember thinking when I was 21 that it was the last time, that was 11 years ago...ugh....so maybe when I'm 33 in April of 2010 it'll be the last time????? O.B.E.S.E. Again, say it out loud, it's not a sexy word. O.B.E.S.E.